I actually do have a Bible verse to post tonight, but I'm in a big hurry and I don't have the time to copy and paste from crosswalk and I don't know it by heart. There are 5 bibles right here on my bedside table, but not a King James and I just like posting from the King James. Anyway, the verse is about the blessings of Abraham and I even had some commentary I was going to post--just things I've been thinking about--but,well, I truly am in a hurry and I've had a lot of trouble staying focused on biblical things lately. I've been listening to tapes and reading notes regularly, but that's not the same as having thoughts of your own and I haven't had very many of those since August 1st.
I'm sitting here eating Lay's potato chips and needing to do other things, but this is how I clear my mind to do those things, I think. I take a break and, well, procrastinate, really, and then when I go back to it I work more efficiently.
Today we were eating at Chili's before John Tate's shower and I was saying something about the Russell Stover white-chocolate-covered toffee in my purse and when I looked up at Tim, he was looking at me in a strange way. "What?", I asked. "I love you," he said. "I love every single thing about you." That kind of thing just slows you down, or at least it does me. I've tried to get a lot of mileage out of it today, too. Just now, before Tim left to get Hannah, I said, "Hey, Tim, you know how you love every single thing about me? Then that means you love how I hate mayonnaise, right? You love how I hate to even be around it, right? So, will you make Lizzie's ham sandwich for her lunchbox?"
I really do hate mayonnaise, and I'm finding there are a lot of other things that I really hate. Not food things, but other things. I didn't really know that about myself. I mean, I knew I had strong convictions, but some of those are beginning to turn to hatred. For instance, there's a certain person who lives in a large white house in the nation's capital, and truly, I used to think he just wasn't quite bright, but now I'm saying things like, "He is evil continually." And, really, I can find nothing in my heart for him except resentment. And that's not a good thing. It says something about me that I don't like. Another thing is I just don't trust people anymore the way I used to. I just don't want to give many people a glimpse into who I am and what I believe or think because I feel the need to keep that to myself. To stay safe. I never used to feel that way at all.
So here I sit eating these silly chips and knowing that when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror my face will be puffed up and I will have fluid pockets all around my eyes. I don't like that about myself, either, but that's probably an easier thing to change than the hatred and the lack of trust. Those are things that affect more than what I look like in the mirror. I don't think even Tim would love those things about me.
And I'm wondering why in the world these things would even exist in a person who has inherited the blessings of Abraham. How can it even be? I'm thinking that admitting they do dwell within me is evidence of the fact that I am desperate to be rid of them. It's embarrassing to admit they're there. Mistrust and hatred? Terrible. Embarrassing. But when my desperation factor exceeds my embarrassment factor, I am a prime candidate for the grace of God.
